T-whack! I whip my head around. "Oh no!" I see favorite my book on the ground, covered in tomato sauce. "You've got to be kidding!"I walk across the room and slowly bend down to the ground. I reach my hand over to the book when I spot a blue and red baseball. " Joshua Tim Hemerly!" I scream at the top of my lungs. A small blonde, blue eyed boy walked into the room. "Why the fuck would you throw the baseball in my room!" His face started to turn red, and his sea like eyes started to glisten. Pity took the place of my anger, as i reached for him. I pulled him close to me and wrapped my arms around his petite little body. "i'm sorry josh" He rested his tiny blonde head on my shoulder. I slowly pushed him into my fision and said, "Are you ok?" He slowly nodded his head and hugged me once more.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
that was kind of odd. =] thought you were trying to hard on that piece, you should let it come to you naturaly if that makes sense (hope it does) just thinking why is she there why is that guy there you know more depth =] i liked the sudden surge of imagination which seems to be leaping out at me here. hope that was helpful bye!!!!!!!
This was really short. You need to give more detail.
You must also check your spelling, you made a few stupid mistakes.
If you look, I put 'my' in brackets. You must put it there so that the sentence makes sense.
I think with a bit more information and hard work, it will be a great book.
Suzanne is right! you need to add more, give it some background.
You will want to put more up, this isn't really enough for people to critique. Somewhere between 500 words and 2,000 words is a good length, but one paragraph isn't enough for people to give you a critique on.
Also, I put the rating up to R for the F' word.
Ahoy! I see you're new here. Welcome aboard YWS! My name is Razorblade.
Now, seeing as you're new, there's a few rules to go over before you start posting literary work. The most important one is please critique at least two works before posting your own. As this piece is your only post, you might want to go and do that. Also, once you've done that, try to keep the critiques-to-work ratio the same.
While you're listening to me, here's a few links you might want to check out:
Rules. You must read these!
A lovely checklist to follow when posting, composed by the lovely Suzanne and Jennafina.
Hope you enjoy yourself here on YWS!
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Um...okay...
This is ok, but really, is it going anywhere? Is this just like the beginning to your story or something? Or is it just that?
I don't think you really told us much of anything. I mean, you don't want to info dump, but you should still tell us something.
Oh unless you're wanting us to read so we're curious about the bond between the two, who they are, what their situation is. In that case, I'm totally curious. But I'm confused at the moment. If you're putting more up, PM so I can read it.